This is Part Two of "My First Experience as a Feedee".  "Denial" illustrates my fears about getting fat...even if it was in the beginning an experiment to please my boyfriend. 

Denial

I ignored the terrible ache deep in my belly as the hunger gnawing away at my insides. Hunger pangs yelling for me to just open my mouth and take one small bite…

I felt like a fairy tale princess from the first day I met Gary. I didn’t expect him to be so thoughtful and loving. He took me to plays, long romantic walks in Central Park, to museums, the opera, and the theater. We cooked together and were getting fat together.
Gary and I were lost in each other after that special New Years Eve after he confided in me that he was a feeder. Gary, himself, was over 400 pounds and was still growing…slowly. He had gained steadily for years, but now he turned his focus toward me…his new project.
In the beginning of our relationship , weeks before New Years Eve, I was embarrassed and shy about my growth. I was 134 pounds when we met. He took every opportunity to provide me with food. My diet was indeed challenged. Since our dates seemed to revolve around eating and I being such a glutton, I quickly put on 10 pounds. I began to do what most women do, layer my clothing, wear looser clothing, and only show myself when the room was dark – otherwise I was wrapped tightly in a robe or sheet so he couldn’t see where all the extra calories were manifesting. I thought I hid my weight well under layers of clothing, but Gary knew and relished the few new pounds on my slim frame. He told me that I would be sexier and more alluring if I weighed more. Gary wanted to fatten me up at least another 20 pounds. He vowed to help me…wanted to…fantasized about it.
So, on that New Years Eve, I told him I would allow him to fatten me up. I was so tired of denying myself food and this man actually told me that he would love me even if I got fatter. I let him stuff me full of food that night and many nights after that one. I progressively grew larger. My breasts becoming fuller…my thighs thickening, but remaining firm, and my midsection becoming rounder and softening ever so slightly.
We both worked in Manhattan. At first, we only got together on the weekend since I lived in Queens. He would wine and dine me, feeding me all weekend. Even with all of his effors, my progress was slow. I frequently went to the gym on my way home from work. Yes – the gym. Even though I promised to gain for Gary, I quickly began to have second thoughts. I began to ask myself – What are you thinking of?! Like so many other women I had spent so many years in self-deprivation – Don’t eat that. It’s fattening. You’ll gain weight. You can’t gain weight. I can’t wear that until I lose a few more pounds. No, no, bad…bad. So, I dieted, starved myself to maintain my “perfect” weight. I ignored the terrible ache deep in my belly as the hunger gnawing away at my insides. Hunger pangs yelling for me to just open my mouth and take one small bite…
So, I tried to renege on what I said to Gary. I snuck in the gym and ate practically nothing until I saw him on the weekends. I would then be so incredibly hungry, I would devour whatever he put in front of me. But, then I would repent soon as Monday came around - my stomach rumbling and howling for food as I would run, run, run on the treadmill faster and faster, desperate to take off the weight I had gained over the weekend.

What I didn’t know was the Gary was on to me. I found out much later that he had seen me going into the gym – quite by accident. Gary was so suave and smooth that he never let on. He must have perceived this – me as a unique challenge. So, he must have decided to step up his plans to have me fattened.
Suddenly, Gary was showing up at my job and offering to take me to lunch during the week. What started out as an occasional occurrence, turned into an everyday affair. Just as before, it all happened gradually. I barely noticed the changes at first. My waist became more substantial as my belly became plump. My waistband dug painfully into my flesh as I grew more corpulent. I huffed and puffed as I attempted to fasten my skirt, my flesh being squeezed out of the top of the business attire.
I was becoming desperate. One evening we went to a late movie, I decided to fake Gary out. I remembered that taking a little psyllium fiber with lots of water on top of a meal would make my belly swell a bit. This way I could tell Gary I was full and I’d look it . He wouldn’t try to entice me to eat. It wasn’t that Gary ever forced me, he just was a damn good encourager and I was just so weak when it came to him and food.
Earlier that afternoon, Gary, as usual, took me out to lunch to a nice Italian place. I ate more than I should have and then rushed back to Gary’s apartment shortly after and sucked down 2 liters of water with the psyllium fiber powder.
I was busy bathing and trying to get changed to go out when I began to feel a lot of pressure in my stomach. I leaned back and rubbed the sides of my belly. I was feeling very full. As the feeling of fullness increased, I could feel my belly swell and become ever so firm. I must have miscalculated either the dosage or how full I already was from lunch. The firmness rapidly changed to hardness…tightness.
“Ooooo….oh…oh…oh” I gasped. My midsection slowly swelled up like an overripe melon. I felt as though someone was squeezing my sides together.
I heard a key in the door. It was Gary! I closed the bedroom door.
“Honey, where are you?” Gary called from the livingroom.
“In, in here,” I yelled out. Oh, no this is not happening, I thought to myself.
“Gary, would you mind if we stayed home? I’m a little under the weather,” I called out to him from his bedroom.
This was definitely a mistake, I thought cursing myself as I pressed my arms to my sides, my hands holding my bulging belly.
“Oh, my goodness,” Gary exclaimed, entering the room. “Let me get you some water.”
“Ah, no let me just lay down for awhile I’ll be alright,” I said, breathing hard.
But it was too late. Gary went into the bathroom and saw what I had taken. I had to confess everything to him. He sat and listened silently. He said nothing as he got up and disappeared into the other room.
I knew I had messed things up with him being so dishonest. I was surprised when he came back in carrying a basin with water, towels, and a jar of something. Gary made me stand and lashed a tape measurer around my waist. My stomach was so bloated and heavy. I could feel gas building up and swelling up inside me with every step I took. I was shocked to see I had inflated to 43 inches around – a three-inch expansion.
Gary spread out towels over the bed and lay me down on his king-sized bed. He then proceeded to bath my belly in warm water. If only the tight feeling in my midsection did not occupy all of my attention. I made a small, pained sound, stomach swelling slowly as Gary paused and resumed, but this time taking a sweet smelling salt rub out of the container on the bed.
His hand softly moved over the swell, Gary leaned in and whispered, "You look like you're with child. You might be having a reaction to that stuff.”
Oh, the pressure inside, I felt weighted down and so full and heavy. Gary gingerly rubbed my belly in long circular movements, working his way from the top to the sides. My belly was panging painfully. I felt stuffed. I felt panicked that the tightness wouldn’t cease. I was breathing harder…fuller and fuller...finally, I felt the pressure began to lessen slightly under Gary’s careful ministrations.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you, Gary,“ I began and told him everything.
He listened and told me that I had to stop feeling guilty with every meal I ate. It was all up to me. If I wanted to be slim, stay the same, or get fatter. Whatever my decision, he would support me.
So we spent the rest of the night quietly and I did come to a decision. It was ready to gain for myself or bust trying.